Saturday, September 1, 2012

ghost of a good thing

I have no pictures to go along with this, and I apologize.

I've been watching a lot of Awkward. lately, and it inspires me to be more "Jenna" about my blog, which I think is a good idea. The only problem is that three people know about it, which defeats the point of it being secretive, but whatever. Honestly, at this point I don't really care. I am about to speak my mind about everything, and if that offends any of you three, I sincerely apologize. I think you are all awesome people, and I am not mad at any of you, so... yeah. Read at your own risk, I guess

I have decided that I am meant to be alone. I mean, I decided this yesterday, but I did a social activity last night and tonight, so now I'm doubting that decision. But, I don't know. It just seems like I'm always alone; at least when it comes to big things

I think it would just be easier if I were in a place where everyone else was alone, like Seattle or Salt Lake or some other city. But, everyone here has roommates. So, it's like it's them: and then me. I don't mind though. I'm not scared of the people here. I'm scared of the people in my classes, but not the people here. 

I know it's my fault though. If I really wanted to, I could go next door to #2217 and take part in the dampened conversation I'm hearing through the wall. But, I don't want to. For some reason. If I really wanted, I could have stayed home last night and seen if the boys came over in black tie attire to play mini golf. But, instead I went to the Story Telling Festival. And shook hands with a 21 year old who asked if he "got my wrist". I don't even know what that means. I could actually hold eye contact with people I meet, and take my head out of my Stephen King on my way to class, and in the few minutes before class starts as I sit in the back row, but I don't.

So, all of this is self inflicted. Which leads me to one thought. Which side of the fence am I on? Am I just wanting to complain about not having a set group of friends? Or do I actually want a set group of friends? 

At the beginning of the summer, I sort of had one. We had Chandler and Lindsey and Cooper and Madeline and Shelbie and Cami sort of and some other people who I can't remember. But, that all fell apart. And you know what? I'm glad it did. I mean, I like all those people, but that friend group wasn't right. I don't drink or do drugs, and I'm not bashing anyone for doing those things, but I don't do them. Those parties aren't fun to me like they're fun to other people, and my idea of fun things aren't fun to other people like they are to me. It's just the way people work.

I feel like I need to find friends who are more like me. Who like to go to concerts at Velour and watch people dance awkwardly, and go on midnight walks, and play stupid games, and watch 2 star movies we know are going to be terrible, and make interest foods, and do completely embarrassing things just because there is nothing else to do. I want friends who will come have dinner with me and hang out with me on the weekends and walk with me to class and meet up with me in the in-between.

The world doesn't hate me enough to withhold those people from me. So, you know what? I'm going to find them. That's my goal for this year. I am going to find a set group of friends. Like Friends or Awkward. or Dawson's Creek. We are going to have meet up places and common interests and I'll make up for all those things I missed out on in high school and junior high. 

I have the rest of forever to relish in my solitude, but I only have right now soak up my freshman-ness and make the most of this moment.

Wish me luck, world.


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