Thursday, September 13, 2012

vulnerability number one

I don't like thinking about the rats in Animal Science. Or the boy who always picked them up for us. He resembled a rat. And the boy who loved to watch the snakes eat baby mice resembled a snake. And then he started working at Subway and didn't recognize me. I somehow developed a crush on him, but just a mini-one. A one tenth of one. I think it was sort of a Stockholm effect sort of crush.

I don't like thinking about what it would be like to make out with a bald headed man. Or just a man in general. Because now that's what's available to me. Men. Like, returned missionary men. Early twenties men. I don't even know how to interact with them. It's not safe anymore to treat all my relationships for what they are: temporary. Now that can hurt someone else, or even myself. Now I have to weigh options and be picky and be logical and be vulnerable and be open to people caring about me in the real way.

I don't like thinking about what will happen if I don't get into the University of Washington. I don't know what else I'd do. I don't know what other school I'd attend. Or where I'd live. Or how I'd like it. Or how'd I would cope with the rejection of my dream since age 12.

I don't like thinking about flying over oceans. I hate open water. And the thought of that being my infinite end just makes my stomach turn. I paint the picture of the music video for At The Bottom Of Everything, but we all know death isn't that beautiful.

I don't like thinking about what I'm doing in this moment. I prefer to be thinking ahead at all times, that way I am always prepared and always have a plan. If I don't have a plan, it's hard to breathe and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.

I don't like thinking about all the people in the world. Especially the ones who are stuck. The ones who are abused and raped and uneducated. I don't like acknowledging that I can't help them. Their lives will end in tragedy and there's nothing I can do about it. Kids will commit suicide and get into drugs and throw all their potential down the drain. They will be depressed and cut themselves and never learn they are loved. And all of that will never change. Not until humanity changes, at least. Which won't happen. So, basically people are going to continue ruining other people's lives and other people are going to let their lives be ruined by people; and that's just the way it is.

I don't like thinking about all those questions I have for people I care about. I'm never going to ask them. They are never going to even know I know enough to ask. We will live in this strange stage of one-sided knowledge until I crack. Or someone else cracks and the knowledge becomes public. I'm not one for secrets and all of these are really starting to bother me.

I don't like thinking about those things.

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