Monday, October 1, 2012

apologies on napkins

+more photos from open mic night

You know, that night I felt like I didn't belong. Not the real slice of me, at least. Like, a slice was there and that slice was real and having fun and being authentic. But, then there was another slice that just knew there was more out there, more that I was supposed to do and discover. It was almost like this weird internal pressure from both slices. One just kept saying: "No, this is it. This is where you belong. You'll see, Emily. One day you'll wake up and everything will flow and you'll realize that this is what you were meant to do all along." But, the other one kept saying: "Leave. Just get up and leave. This is sad and this is stupid and you don't need to be here. You don't want to be here. You need to go to that other place. You don't belong here. Quit trying to force pieces that aren't meant to be."

And then I just sat there, like I always sit there. I couldn't move, because I didn't know what move to make. So, I just sat there and didn't move at all. And my life didn't move at all and neither did my progression as a person. Now I've decided I need to move. I dare me to move. Maybe Switchfoot had it right this whole time. I'm not going to get anywhere sitting here. I mean that figuratively, literally, and emotionally. 

It's time to get things going. I mean, really going. It's time to go to the gallery stroll by myself and drink a cocoa. It's time to go to ET and Frankenstein and take a trip to Chicago over Christmas break and hike somewhere and go on a walk to the bell tower at two in the morning and make a delicious meal all for myself just because I can. It's time to say no to people when they ask me for things and to realize liars are always going to be liars and crazy people are always going to be crazy people. Yes, people can change, but that doesn't mean they always do. Not in a short time, at least.

So, basically all that's happening right now is this: I am throwing pieces of myself into cyberspace because there is no one to talk to. And you know what? That's the way I want it. 


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